Middle Earth Mega Project

With the removal of the Grima and his prophesies of pessimism, whining- bitchery and Emotional Vampirism, Theoden King is now back to being a force to be reckoned with.

When the Uruk Hai danger appeared, he bravely retreated to Helmsdeep, leaving a note for the milkman at the entrance gate of Edoras saying that they were on vacation to Rivendell. The orcs were half way back to Isengard before someone suggested that this might have been a ruse.

Now trapped and surrounded in Helmsdeep, Theoden nearly got out of the jaws of Saruman’s latest trap by turning the lights down and the TV sound off. This cunning ruse only to be discovered at the 11th hour after Haldir and his Elves had been on the Babycham, whilst watching re-runs of old Middle-Eartho-Vision Song Contest finals, accompanied by an irate Dwarf who claimed not to be interested, yet remained stubbornly perched on the sofa nearest the exit door for the entire duration, who then absent-mindedly answered the front door to a Goblin dressed as a pizza boy!

Unprepared for the brilliance of the mind of Saruman and the dimness of his allies, Theoden must now fight to defend his stone cold party pad from being crashed by the multitudinous minions of the White Hand.

All had been going splendidly in the battle with Theoden relying on the somewhat basic, yet satisfyingly messy tactic, of pretending to leave his section of the ramparts empty, then when the orcs tried to bung a ladder up and where almost at the top, Theoden would yell “Whoopsie!” in his best  Falsetto, pushing the ladder away from the wall, flinging the unfortunates orcs to their sticky demise on the rocks below.

In fact this tactic had been repeated so many times on the halfwits of the White Hand, that the base of Theoden’s section of the wall took on the likeness of a Devon cream tea, being topped with a red jam like mess. Theoden could quite happily have done this for the rest of the day, and was enjoying himself immensely, until someone down the Elf Section (it’s always the Elves!) started making a fuss and asking for of all things, a box!

Only having had turned his back for a minute to sort these idiots out, to find a fresh ladder had been slapped against the wall and now fully scaled by orcs. With their General Melchett approach to tactics briefly described/plagiarised in the following bastardised Black Adder quote:,  “We will catch the watchful RoHun totally off guard! Doing precisely what we’ve done eighteen times before is exactly the last thing they’ll expect us to do this time! There is, however, one small problem. Theoden always tips the lads on the ladder over in the first 10 seconds!” With the ladder-Tipper temporarily distracted by the stumpy related squabbling in the ranks, the the Toe-Rags now have a Toe-Hold in Helms Deep.

Inexplicably the individual Uruk Hai given the job of going first on the ladder, rather than choosing to wear a full suit of armour, has rather coloufuly plumped for a fetching ensemble of sandles, loincloth and upturned metal bucket with drilled eye holes and cut out mouth! Briefly stunned by this armed vision of Gimpery, and not quite sure where to look, Theoden steels himself for the onslaught!

I leave you now at the crucial cliffhanger of the age, Saruman has taken an Inch, can Theoden jump into the fray and turn the tide, before Saruman takes a Foot leaving Rohan without a Leg to stand on!!!

The Dead Marshes, Arguably the squelchiest place in Middle Earth, which is really saying something considering the close runners up for the title included: the King of Goblin Towns Posing Pouch and the under-flaps of Gollum’s Loin Cloth!

The Elves not content to dislike the area for it’s perpetual pong, lingering stink and general oozing crapulance, have taken particular offence to the spectral residents sartorial stubbornness, failing to keep up with the times by still wearing the armour of old, the second age, which they see as “So0O0o Dagorlad”! And as such this “wart on the arse of Middle Earth” has yet to be visited by our somewhat effete chums from Rivendell who seek more floral climbs for their outings!!

This is no deterrent to Gollum, who undaunted by the reeking honk is well adapted to the traveling through goo and gunk. Unhindered by armour, equipment and clothes other than a warg leather loincloth of skimpier proportions than an Essex Girls Bikini,  and all slimed up, he’s harder to hold onto than a greased pinball in a cowpat on curry night! Lets just hope that Frodo and Sam don’t get “Bogged Down” and distracted by the local spectral residents and their perpetual prank of fart lighting to way lay weary travellers!

These Guys are the ‘Ard Boiz’ of Mordor and live in a partially constructed Giant Lighthouse with an upturned, upcycled waste paper basket with eyes and features clumsily cut out of it to resemble the boss, as a somewhat weak interior design statement of allegiance/possible piss take!

At the time of photography they have got the right hump about their giant guard spider getting squished up the jaxi by an unknown assailant, and now wound up like a nest of wasps angrier than John McEnroe on tennis court, these guys are of to vent their rage on whoever did this! Adding insult to below the belt injury, some snivelling git tried to purloin the captain’s new found favourite shiney-shirt, under the guise of commandeering it for the war effort!

These lads have had enough and I just hope they don’t encounter a valiant yet stumpy assailant, too short to fight by the Queensbury rules, as they charge downstairs at a distinct disadvantage to a well armed master of the low-blow, who’s every stab and swing is  aimed squarely at groin level!

No “Middle Earth Mega Project” would be complete without ‘the One Ring’.

I decided that I needed a fun and obvious marker to place down whenever Frodo, Bilbo, Gollum or whoever, got their greasy fingers on the ring.

I decided to mount it on a regular infantry GW base to match the size of any likely ring bearers. I then painted it with a slightly angry fire-filled look, to add an element of character to it, as if it has it’s own will and potency within. Almost as if someone had poured their cruelty, their malice and their will to dominate all life within.

I am really happy with the result and have used it in one of my recent games.

This guy has got to be the foulest looking character in all the Middle Earth based films and was described as ‘more cruel  than any Orc’ in the LotR.

A great evil-looking bad guy for the tabletop. He is an upper mid level hero and magician with a potential for a serious impact on the tabletop, if used correctly.

I added a 3 washes of ‘Agrax Earthshade’ to give his previously too clean looking teeth and gums a putrid poisonous look, to match the character in the film. I like what Peter Jackson did in suggesting that Sauron’s words were so poisonous, that they infected and twisted this Black Numenorean in such an obvious and foul way!

The images show the Mouth of Sauron going about his daily business in Barad Dur, which clearly consists of pointing to look important, wearing an hugely over sized helmet and gassing the Orcs with Dog-Breath that could cut through bank volts!

He could have had a lucrative career as a model for Dentist Posters warning tantrummy toothbrush spurning toddlers of the dangers in not brushing and flossing! But instead of raking in the Sponsorship from Colgate, he turned to evil and took up residence in giant black spikey light house!

This is one character that should have been to the Orc-adontist and is even less likely to get snogged than Grima Wormtongue!

Something snivels and slimes across the ramparts of Helmsdeep, why it’s Grima Wormtongue!

Before we go any further, I have to ask the question “who at H.R. accepted this man’s C.V. for the let’s give him a interview pile?”. One can’t help but ponder why the Royal Household of Rohan didn’t have a better vetting policy, particularly with a name like that!

Slimier than Sammy the Slugs trip to the Durex Lube Factory! This guy has rules to represent his odious ability to pour treacle into the gears of a good army, and is very effective for his low points cost.

This is one character where the rules really bring this fawning, low handed and treacherous gits personality and atmosphere to the tabletop.

Grima’s on screen antics constitute as strong an argument for Sex on the NHS as I have ever seen, and if only he had found himself the love of a good Woman, perhaps a lot of bad things wouldn’t have happened in Rohan!

If he had washed the grease out of his hair, let his eyebrows grow back and ditched the snot rag, who knows? perhaps he could have snagged himself a Mrs Wormtongue and lived out his days playing Barry White records every night!

If you are taking Saruman to the tabletop, his toadying, perfidious, gimp of a mate Grima is indispensable!

An Old Man Got us STONED!

Having been done up like three enormous and easily distracted kippers, daylight breaks and the three Trolls are turned into STONE!

For those of you that have read the book, this might well be Middle Earths (or indeed any other realms) first and only recorded ventriloquism related multiple-homicide! Which in my humble experience is unique, not least that it’s usually the ventriloquist dying on his arse!

For Gandalf to have pulled this off, you would expect that he must have given a performance as unique, mesmerising and hilarious as the great Tina Conti! However his trickery boiled down to general pedantry,  contradicting the last speaker, and generally quibling the details of a squishy version of musical chairs involving dwarves in sacks!

N.B. Just a matter of judicial clarification, Bert the Troll’s raised hand does not signify any form of unsavoury political affiliation! I thought this was a prudent area to clarify, as I certainly do not wish to attract the attention of any ‘Internet Trolls’! Arf-arf!

These three Jolly Chaps have taken time out of their busy schedules of gathering up lost equine livestock, burning excess brushwood and running the local “not for profit” lost property office, to enjoy a quiet barbeque after their hard and well intentioned labours.

This evening of simple cuisine and gentle relaxation is rudely interrupted by a vertically challenged malcontent advocating burglary, and escalated by his 13 stumpy accomplices who are en route to separate an elderly resident in the local mountain  from his savings.

Fortunately our three heroes managed to get the drop on the afore mentioned hooligans, who had just maliciously released the lost ponies that Tom, Bert and William had only just finished capturing and rehousing in a temporary paddock, before the nice Nazgul from the RSPCA could arrive. Still the three chaps showing their common decency conducted non lethal “citizens arrests” on all fourteen stubby yobbos, yobbos who were previously armed to the teeth, when our chaps were left to defend themselves armed with a selection of blunt kitchenalia limited to a large apron, a rolling pin and and a bendy, blunt, biodegradable compostable spork!

Now being subdued, the roving malefactors now unable to physically fight, have resorted to the one last act of low malice, trying to put our valiant vigilantes off their food!

This last act of misconduct consisting of largely incoherent shouting of slanderous obscenities, which boil down to something about having an appalling infestation with all the hideous hall marks of  worms, crabs and an acidic urinal yeast infection. Not the ideal back drop to the sophisticated dinner party and witty reparte that was intended, especially as the tone of obscenity had sank to an all time low, as fungal infections of impressive growth, fruiting bodies and bearding were now the topic of the dwarves saprophytic themed abuse!

As long as there are no disturbances by rogue elements of the Royal Shakespeare Company, they can finally get back to having their now very much over done din-dins!

Before anyone has started eating, Bert raises the subject of ‘did anyone remember to bring the Mordor Branded Factor 1,000 Sunblock’, and then the sound and smell of tobacco riddled, beer soaked flatulence cut through the night as someone clumsily approached through the bushes…….!

Denethor in his right mind was described as much more sophisticated and Machiavellian than Theoden in Rohan, but lost his mind with the death of his favourite son and trying to master the Palantir, something that the true King of Gondor was able to do.

A cheap but risky character to include on the table top. For 35 points he is packs a wallop with F5 S4 A2 but at the same time he is a bit of a liability. If he fails a moral check at the beginning of every turn (and Boromir isn’t alive on the tabletop) his marbles are in absentia and the Evil player gets to control him. This means that he can kill good models, who will not strike blows if they win a fight.

A Ring Wraith using ‘Sap Will’ and ‘Drain Courage’ can seriously twist his knickers and increase the chances of him failing that crucial courage test, with a bit of blue on blue battery resultant as toys are thrown from the pram and he dishes out more fruitcake than the ‘Great British Bake Off’!

If you like your Gondor army with a large side helping of Bananas, Denethor provides a colourful if somewhat speculative risk for any Gondor Army. When pitted against low level heroes and troops, Denethor can dish out the spankings, which is great, as long as they aren’t yours!

After my previous post featuring Gandalf on the stump that is all that is left of the Bridge of Khazad Dum, my “Middle Earth Mega Project” would not be complete without a look at the opposite side of the bridge, not just in terms of visual but of the mindset of the Balrog!

It’s quite easy to sympathise with the Balrog given hindsight. How would you feel if your home was invaded by a bunch of ruffians, who woke you up from a deep slumber by dropping buckets and suits of armour down wells, throwing stones into ponds and upsetting the wildlife, enraging the neighbours and their pets, as well as destroying the local and only bridge (clearly an exemplar of “Post-Durinic-Dwarven-Minimalism” and no doubt listed by the local planning department), causing you to fall into a near bottomless chasm where you were to be rudely assaulted by a cantankerous old man, clad in a grey dressing gown who frankly could do with a bit of a wash up and a shave!

I don’t know about you but I would be “FLAMING-ANGRY”!

“Trolling” a matter that I am sure has absolutely never taken place on any Tolkien related group, forum or gathering, and certainly not by bored and bothersome “Normies”!

This is another great sculpt by Games Workshop from back in the Days when the films were fresh in the cinemas, depicting the point where the Mighty Cave Troll in Moria almost Spanks the Granny out of Frodo, by attempting to create Middle Earths first ever Hobbit kebab! Fortunately Frodo didn’t get skewered and the film didn’t end there!

I have painted the Troll as naturalistically as possible to paint a fantasy creature, and painted the Foe Spear a deliberately contrasting Mithril like shine in direct contrast, which also adds to the feel that it was a Dwarf weapon.

A great addition to any Moria Army and always an entertaining Monster on the table top.

This one is dedicated to my two work pals who’s names I shall simply Tolkien-ify (I think I have just invented that expression, please everyone use it so that the Concise Oxford Dictionary has to publish more Fantasy related nonsense?) as “Spam-Wise Ray-Gun” and “Tricksy Mr. FroJoe Entwood” who have inspired me to create some of these posts during our daily work Tea-Time-Tolkien-Talk!

A really colourful moment in the Extended Edition of ‘The Return of the King’, I look forward to recreating it on the table-top with some of my gaming mates, who previously nick named the handsome chap above as ‘Mr. Whippy’! He does in fact remind me of character working on a building site in Dagenham who was obsessed bacon sandwiches and ice cream, so perhaps Mr. Whippy is not too far out!

I love the models of Frodo and Sam in Orc armour which add a load of possibilities to use them as infiltrators in my own scenarios.

One of my favourite moments in the Trilogy, Gandalf standing his ground against easily scariest monster in Middle Earth, guaranteed to test the fortitude of anyone’s bowel control!

It wouldn’t be a “Middle Earth Mega Project” without a depiction of this legendary moment.

I scratch built the Moria Mine workings (more on this to come) for this competition as a backdrop and a fun piece of M. C. Escher inspired modular scenery madness for my games.

In the background are various fools that should be flying!

A particularly memorable character and army from the ‘Return of the King’ movie and a great addition to anyone’s collection, the King of the Dead and his insubstantial chums are a power to be reckoned with on the tabletop. This guy if he gets a wound will kill even an Oliphant dead.

I used an effective yet incredibly simple (reminds me of my Cousin Olly’s appalling chat up line aimed at the now Mrs Cousin Olly) paint scheme. I used a ratio of circa 1/4 mix of Daler Rowney ‘Sap Green’ (375) with G.W. Skull White. I then dry brushed with the original mix mixed with more skull white at a 50/50 ration. I then dry brushed really finely with pure Skull White. This gives the unit a spooky tone that is seen in the film and is most striking on the tabletop.

I used clippers to cut several of the Warriors and the King himself of their bases, and drill holes with a pin vice to accommodate  a copper rod, to match the way they vapourously (I think that I have just invented a new word?) move and float around the battlefield and their subterranean purgatory.

I plan to use these chaps as a powerful backup to Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, the Sons of Elrond and the Grey Company as a late arriving relief force at a Mega Siege of Gondor and Battle of the Pelennor fields that I am Planning.

Gosh. this ones definitely a “Bit Scary” to the level that it will have our arachnophobe pals dumping their lunches at first sight!  Better not show to Justin of OTT Fame!

I painted the unfortunate Frodo from the old “In the Clutches of Shelob” boxed set on a built up 40mm base. I used pebbles and sand to for a rocky outcrop for Shelob to place her unwitting “Din-Dins” in the form of Frodo tied up in Spider-Silly-String and apparently covered in slobber (Sounds like a fun Friday night!).

I used a pallid green built up with mixed flesh tone highlights to give a sickly look to the poor Hobbit.

I plan to use this fun piece for an objective marker for my “Cirith Ungol” Army.

I have had a lot of fun with this truly horrible character, and love the whole bloated, foul, corpusculent look that he embodies on the tabletop. Always fun at the head of a ‘Goblin Town’ army, even though I have yet to see them do anything other than get ignominiously spanked and routed off the tabletop!

I also love the cobbled together throne with a somewhat foul surprise.

Clap! Snap! the black crack!
Grib, grab! Pinch, nab!
And down, down to Goblin town
You go, my lad!
Clash, crash! Crush, smash!
Hammer and tongs! Knocker and gongs!
Pound, pound, down underground!
Ho, ho! my lad!
Swish, smack! Whip crack!
Batter and beat! Yammer and bleat!
Work, work! Nor dare to shirk,
While Goblins quaff, and Goblins laugh,
Round and round far underground
Below, my lad!

Definitely a First-World Problem and not perhaps the most search engine friendly title.

I love this model which which I cast in resin from an original metal Dwarf Hero, heavily converted and weathered with the now extinct Forge World Weathering Powders.

The idea was to produce a Dwarf King statue for my subterranean games in Middle Earth which would represent one of the Dwarf Ring Bearers, now in a deserted corner of Moria or an abandoned Dwarf hold lost to Goblins or worse, it has become rusted by lack of care during the passing of the ages.

On recent close examination the I am more than happy with the main model and it’s corroded look, and that it is starting to fall apart (spot the axe?) and has started to erode with rusted fragments being re-absorbed into the rock in which it was originally mined.

The only thing that bothered me was the smallest detail, the Magic Ring held aloft by the Dwarf, which looks more like a medium sized donut than a ring. This became all I could see with this model, so I decided to make a smaller ring. I tried unsuccessfully to model a smaller one in green-stuff, like I did before but this just did not go well. So in the end I cut a minute link from the smallest non precious metal jewellery chain that I could find.

I am now much happier with the size of my Dwarfs ring and look forward to getting the wee chap on the table top to be the splendid centrepiece and battlefield objective that I intended him to be.

This was a particularly fiddly job, and my patience and my language were at times put to the test. At one point the Dwarf’s thumb and forefinger snapped shut firing the ring a meter and an half away into the carpet, which then took me half an hour to find. So I spent a wasted half hour on all fours searching Gollum like for the ring.

I am now happy with the far smaller ring and the end result, which is a touch exaggerated, but any smaller and you won’t see it.

The ring can be seen in it’s original for on the plyers bottom left image, with a commemorative 50 pence piece for size.

This guy is a close combat MONSTER mounted on a monster if used correctly.

This ‘Knight of Umbar’ has two special rules ‘Armour of the Sundered Land’ and ‘Combat Mimicry’.

‘Armour of the Sundered Land’ means that he does not loos a precious point of will if he wins a round of close combat. Keeping him on the table for longer, which is especially important as he only has 12 will points and that is not much when you want him charging on his Armoured Fell Beast and ruining as much of the enemy as you can.

‘Combat Mimicry’ means that he can expend a point of will to match Fight, Strength and/or attacks of the enemy. This means that he can match and Ent if he needs to and no pesky loosing to a draw because of a lower fight value. Combined with ‘Transfix’, this can be deadly.

The armoured Fell Beast has a defence of 7 rather than 6, meaning that most heroes and infantry will need a 6 to wound it.

I have seen this guy wreak destruction on enemy heroes and troops, but he can’t afford to get bogged down and surrounded. Choose attacks when it suits him at key enemy heroes and pesky troop break throughs, and don’t be afraid to use transfix and a might point for an ‘Heroic Combat’ where his 12″ move can allow him to cause more destruction.

I used the old metal Witch King on Fell Beast, which I then chopped up and mounted on to a converted ruined castle kit, which I painted to look like a wall of Gondor or ruin in Osgiliath. The wrecked wall section allows the Ringwraith and Fell Beast to stand out in clear contrast, and adds a real feel of danger and destruction, which is what this chap is all about.

Arguably the foulest of the Nine, we get a glimpse of this chap in the ‘Fellowship of the Ring’ parking his red eyed horse above the Hobbits hiding amongst the tree roots, with all natural things recoiling from his presence.

In game risky and tricky to use well.

I love the characterful pose of this model, really capturing the spider-like tricksey, sneakiness of Gollum. To add a touch of realism and ground Gollum in His home in the lake under the mountain, I added some minute slate chips which I painted then dry brushed in grey as rocks, and added some water effects in between.

A great fun addition to any collection, also brilliant in game as a funny yet dangerous foil for the ring bearer.