Christmas Carnage (All Previous Episodes)

For the fifth year running, we must interrupt your regularly-scheduled OnTableTop content for an emergency flash bulletin – Santa’s workshop and village at the North Pole are under attack!

At this hour, we are reliably informed that the brave and elite North Pole Defense Force (NPDF, a highly-trained militia to protect the warm wishes and good cheer of Santa and his winter village during the holiday season) has been mobilized to meet the incursion.

Of course, the NPDF has stood off four previous assaults on the North Pole, including a rogue task force of 1930s-era Soviet armour, a tank-helicopter battlegroup of 1985 Team Yankee Soviets, and finally an hypertech assault force of Clan Ghost Bear ‘mechs from the Sci-Fi classic BattleTech universe.

Finally came a more supernatural assault. Just before Christmas last year, an army of toy dinosaurs originally meant as innocent playthings for imaginative children was animated into monstrosities of horrific evil by none other than Mumm-Ra, the powerful undead sorcerer of Thundercats infamy.

This year, however, Santa and his NPDF faces a threat like no other. From the corpse city of R’lyeh, none other than Cthulhu himself…yes, that Cthulhu…has sent three of his avatars to the North Pole to raise an army of minions and march on Santa’s workshop and Christmas village.

What army, you ask? Once again, the forces of darkness reach into the very innocence of childhood to animate a warped legion of evil. Simple green plastic army men, meant to conquer nothing more than the sandboxes and living room floors of happy children, have been drafted into this hellish crusade.

As some of the long-time subscribers may know, every year this time we have a special “battle.” It’s something of a tradition by this point, where some kind of “naughty” force raises a powerful army and mounts an assault on that most sacred of December objectives, Santa’s village and workshop at the North Pole.

Fortunately, Santa has a militia of his own, including elves for light infantry, enchanted snowmen for heavy infantry, reindeer for light cavalry, polar bears for heavy cavalry, special high-tech units crafted in a “secret R&D wing” of the elves’ toy worksho …

And of course no small amount of heroes who serve as commanders for this small but elite (and growing) force. Yes, every year I manage to find a few more small Christmas figurines to add to Santa’s defence militia!

As of now, Santa’s NPDF has the following order of battle:

Commander: Santa (aboard airborne sleigh command post. Executive Officer: Bumble Snowbeast (18th Level Hero). Polar Bear Brigade (commanded by Colonel Pete Polar Bear). Elf / Snowman Infantry Brigade (commanded by Colonel Justin the Woolly Mammoth).

Polar Bear Brigade contains a cadre of polar bear cubs (automatically win fire phase initiative since all foes are stunned by the cuteness of their adorable scarves), a grizzly bear hero, and a small detachment of reindeer cavalry for screening, recon, and flank protection.

The NDPF Infantry Brigade contains Snowman Heavy Infantry (six large and eight small figures), a battalion of light infantry elves (eight figures), a new squad of teddy bears (four figures), a Marine Corps “Toys for Tots” bear pulling a light, all-terrain assault sleigh, and of course Justin the Woolly Mammoth himself.

It occurs to me that this wing of the army is especially strong, Santa is reported to be considering transferring the Marine Corps Bear Squad to the Polar Bear Brigade, to being the army in better balance and also keep a “bear” theme going on the NPDF’s left wing.

Of course, there is always the NPDF Special Division, a secretive “skunk works” research & development bureau of Santa’s most devious “toymaker” elves. In years past we had “Rudolf” the F-4 Phantom fighter-bomber, “Battlemech Kirov,” and of course this year a devastating air strike from a great new weapon!

It’s been a great year at OnTableTop and Beasts of War. Here’s wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday Season, and of course a great New Year!